


My Spirit Is Crying For Leaving

by supernaturaltimemachine



Series: it doesn't have to be good, it just has to exist [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Catharsis, Coda, Crying Dean Winchester, Grief/Mourning, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Not quite hurt/comfort, POV Dean Winchester, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Self-Hatred, but the ending is hopeful, i needed to get this out, no beta we die like men, the finale is whatever you want it to be, the spanish dub is canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27738355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernaturaltimemachine/pseuds/supernaturaltimemachine
Summary: Dean processes what just happened.(Spanish Dub Canon-Dean said I love you too)_Title fromStairway to Heavenby Led Zeppelin
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: it doesn't have to be good, it just has to exist [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842595
Kudos: 18





	My Spirit Is Crying For Leaving

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this tumblr post](https://lateral-org.tumblr.com/post/635927342509965312/thinking-about-the-absolute-heartrending-agony-of)

Cas was gone. He was gone,  _ again, _ and it was Dean’s fault. Again. Dean dug his fingernails into the palm of his hand, trying to hold back the sobs rising in his chest. Cas was  _ gone.  _

He’d said he’d made a deal. Damn idiot. He couldn’t be more of a Winchester if he-

Dean heard his phone buzzing from the floor. He ignored it. He couldn’t afford to let anyone else down just yet.

Cas had- he’d said it. He said it out loud, and then Dean said it back because he had to, he didn’t have a choice anymore, and Cas had  _ smiled _ at him, and then he was gone. 

The tears were streaming down Dean’s cheeks now. It had been a long time since he’d cried like this. 

Only Cas could get him this worked up. He hated that. Cas deserved so much better. Dean wanted to be better for him. 

If Dean was a stronger man, he could have lied. He could have told Cas he didn’t care. Then Cas wouldn’t be gone. He wouldn’t have had to die.  _ Again. _

Idiot angel. Dean slammed a fist to the ground and let out a wordless cry. 

This is just what he got for loving someone. Stupidly, some part of him had thought it could work out in the end. Love conquers all, and all that. Things had been looking up. He and Cas were talking, at least. That had been nice. 

Hearing Cas’ voice after he’d been gone had been like learning to breathe again. He’d never have said it, especially then, but just seeing Cas made him feel like there was a little hope, after all. 

But Cas… 

He’d made that deal. And he hadn’t breathed a word of it to Dean. Why would he? Dean would have thrown a fit. And then Cas would leave, again. And Dean would do what he always did when Cas left. He’d open a beer and an old book and try to fix whatever he’d broken.

Dad had told Dean once that a real man didn’t let anyone die for his mistakes. He’d said that honor came from taking responsibility. He’d held onto that until the end. 

Dean had never been able to follow through with that. He was weak. Cas knew that. 

But Cas saved him anyway.

There was no reason for it. Especially now. Dean always made more messes than he could clean up, and Cas had picked up his slack. He saved him. And he loved him. Even when he betrayed him, it was only ever to protect him. And Sam. 

It didn’t make any damn sense. It never had. This beautiful, powerful, awesome, celestial being had chosen  _ him _ to die for. And what did he have to show for it? What had Dean ever done to deserve all of that sacrifice?

If anything, Dean should have been the one to go. 

He brought his knees close to his chest. He could still feel Cas’ hand on his shoulder. He reached up his own palm and touched it. The blood had gone tacky. Cas was fading. Fast. 

“Hey!” Dean suddenly shouted. “I want to make a deal!”

He listened. The only sound was his own breathing. He realized that at some point his phone had stopped buzzing. 

He warily picked it up. 3 Missed Calls from Sam. And a bunch of frantic texts. 

_ Shit.  _

“Still here,” Dean typed out before shutting his phone off and leaning his head against the wall. 

“Chuck!” Dean screamed into the air. “Get over here, you bastard!” 

He waited, chest heaving. Nothing happened. 

“I know you can hear me,” he growled. Words catching in his throat before scrambling to get free.

The room’s silence mocked him. 

“You bring Cas back,” he said to no one. The cold cement echoed his plea back at him. He cringed. 

Might as well try.

He stood shakily to his feet, wiping the tears from his eyes. 

Cas was gone, but God was still out there. One way or another, he was gonna get his ending. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah. I've been Goin' Thru It™️ but this helped me vent my feelings at least a little bit.
> 
> Liveblogging every possible emotion on [my tumblr](https://lateral-org.tumblr.com/), so feel free to give me a follow and send me a message about how you would rewrite the finale. In addition: [here's my deancas playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5QcYfaLNUVGUfUTcJzs6FB?si=WO3WVKF8S3-EJOvTa9_BzA). When it came to picking a title for this fic i literally just shuffled until I found something that fit. Not to brag but it's got a few bangers. 
> 
> If you liked this fic I've got a [Ko-Fi](https://ko-fi.com/lateralorg) where you can support me. I think the idea of doing commissioned fics for a buck or two would be really fun, so let me know if you'd be interested in any of that.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading, kudos and comments feed my soul <3


End file.
